Feminist

I'm a feminist, so the other night I had sex with a feminist hooker. It was great she paid half.

The good thing about death is that I won't have to wake up to pee again.

My ex girlfriend stopped talking to God. She said that He wasn't very good at taking criticism.

My Favorite Story

Funny Story from Catch a Rising star and the book standup guys.

Take Away

In Texas they want women to have less abortions by taking away Planned Parenthood so they don't live long enough to have kids.

America is about helping the less fortunate not making the less fortunate helpless.

The Koch brothers think America is the greatest country in the world that's why they want to own it.

Ban

Fastest way to ban assault weapons. After every school shooting parents should be given assault weapons and the address of Wayne LaPierre.

At one of the inaugural parties John Boehner was going to dance but couldn't... he didn't know how to lead.

The Right especially wants to take away a women's right to choose because they can't take away their right to vote.

Fair

Anyone who thinks life is fair is being unfair to themselves.

The NRA's idea of sensible gun control is restricting theAmerican people to only use exact change when buying a gun from a vending machine.

I want to meet a woman who loves me for all my faults including the one that keeps me from loving her.

Masks

The NRA's idea of making it harder for criminals to buy arms is promising not to sell guns to people wearing masks during a robbery.

What does it say about our country when the only thing we can all agree on is our hatred of congress?

The right is against women's contraception because a baby is God's will, but if a guy can't get up is it God's will that he takes Viagra?

Dahmer

Congress is one of the few bodies Jeffery Dahmer would refuse to eat.

Forget his birth certificate and his college grades, I think it's time that Donald Trump releases his hair so it can return to the wild.

The NRA's idea of a background check is to wait until they're sure the buyer is not being chased by a cop.

Hate

It's tough to vote your conscience if the people we vote for don't have one.

Let's take the hatred out of politics and put it where it belongs...in our marriages.

Congress would work better if we took the party labels off our politicians and replace them with expiration dates.

Government

The right wants a smaller government. Be careful what you wish for. The smaller the government the easier for the rich to control it.

Democracy may not be the answer but without it we may not be able to ask the question.

Those who think that government shouldn't be part of the solution are part of the problem.

New Author's Video

My Brand New Author's Video!

Amendment

If Wayne LaPierre was Mosses he would have came down from the mount with the Ten Commandments plus the second amendment.

Congress is so useless when they get paid it should be considered collecting unemployment.

There's something wrong when we worry more about what neighbors are getting from our government than what Wall Street is stealing from it.

Anemic

If Jesus was anemic does that mean he'd make white wine from his blood?

For his wife's sake, I hope the Speaker of the House can control his bladder better than he controls he does his caucus.

The NRA should replace the eagle on their logo with a vulture.

Guns

The only way to keep guns out of the hands of the mentally ill is to keep the law making out of the hands of the morally corrupt.

You shouldn't have an assault weapon if your aim is so bad you need an AK47 to kill a deer. Why not use a drone & kill a heard from home?

When I was a kid we lived in really bad neighborhood, for years I thought Santa Claus broke down your front door and slept with your mother.

Bullets

A quick solution. The second amendment says we have the right to bear arms it doesn't say we have the right to have bullets.

The NRA could prevent deaths if they lobbied as hard to keep the mentally ill from getting guns as they do to keep automatic weapons legal.

I'm not against guns. I'm against the harm they do.

Dating

My many dating mishaps.

Making Money

If sex is supposed to be so wonderful and great how come we discourage our partners from making money out of it?

Could this be why I'm still single? I treat women the way I would want to be treated if I was a drag queen.

To the current Republican law makers life is only precious when it's inside the womb (especially for women).

Death

The many weird deaths my family seems to experience.

Burial

My uncle wanted to be buried and my aunt wanted him cremated. She came up with a compromise. She buried him in a volcano.

Why does the religious right believe that God made all things--except make people gay.

Every time a child is killed from being shot by a gun. An NRA lobbyist should have to recite the second amendment to the victim's family.

Birth

When I was born my father thought that my mother had died. But the doctor said he put the sheet over her head to keep her from seeing me.

I realized I was in a racist area of deep south when I went to buy sheets and the guy asked my what size I wore.

When I was a baby I used to spit up all the time. My parents were happy. They had something my grandfather could eat without chewing.

Sex

If a man had sex with Justice Scalia, I would not consider it a homosexual act. I'd consider it bestiality.

Look at Antonin Scalia and you know why justice is blind. After hearing him it should also be deaf.

The other day my shrink asked me if I ever had sex with an animal. I said, of course not, I can’t figure how to ask them out.

Mysterious Ways

I believe that God works in mysterious ways. It's the only explanation for the sexist homophobic views of the religious right.

Why do the conservatives prefer a government that won't help the poor, yet will create more of them?

I'm not a fan I NRA. There's a reason why you can buy a gun but not pot. Because if you smoke pot you wouldn't want a gun.

Helicopters

My cousin Cheryl was chopped up in little pieces.They shouldn't put ejector seats on helicopters. No burial we had her made into a puzzle.

I watch zombie movies to lower my expectatons for dates.

My uncle Jim died. He was an animal trainer for the circus. For his finale lit himself on fire & then was he stamped out by his elephant.

Bloating

If God is in all of us maybe that explains my bloating.

My uncle is heart broken. He's a necrophiliac and his girlfriend left him. Well, sort of...she decomposed.

I don't believe in ghosts, but as I get older I see my deceased father everyday--in the mirror.