Glass

I think I'm a pessimist, I not only see a glass as half empty I see it broken over my head.

I've been so long without a woman, I'm at the point where x-rays make me horny.

Confucius says If you sleep on a bed of nails don't let someone to tuck you in.

Poor Dog

I accidentally ran over my dog today. I was traveling 90 miles an hour and didn't see that the dog was in my girlfriend's arms.

I'm not saying the pro life movement is sexist but I bet if men got pregnant they'd get a punch card for abortions--the tenth one would free.

They say age is all in your mind which doesn't explain why all the pain is in my body.

DMV

Who ever said we should appreciate being alive was not in line at the DMV at the time.

The best thing about your eyesight getting worse as you get old is that you can't tell you have shrunk because your feet look further away.

Love is blind if it was also deaf and dumb there would be a lot less divorces.

Time Shares

An Italian times share is getting out of prison and then violating your parole.

The government thought so little of me. I went on the witness protection program and they only changed my email address.

Does a bi sexual hermaphodite get to lose his or her virginity 4 times?

Thin

You know your thin when X-rays add ten pounds.

A friend said dating an older woman is like settling for leftovers. I told him that dating older men is like hoping that we have leftovers.

Old age is called your golden years because you move like your stuck in honey.

Assisted Living

I'd like to be in assisted living now, but my insurance company will not cover a whorehouse.

As I get older I get happier as a person because I get closer to forgetting who I am.

The world is my ulcer.

Library

The Bush Library is easy to enter, but you'll be there awhile, because the only way to get out is to wait for the Obama Library.

The sequester is starting to really hurt the middle class. If they really want to cut spending let's start by laying off congressmen.

I see the Bush Library as a positive. At least some of the people who lost their homes during his Presidency can now spend time indoors.

Cuts

When they say cutting taxes on the rich creates jobs they mean: I'll have a job because my rich friends have more to spend on my election.

True love is never having to say, "Am I your beneficiary?"

The new Bush Library has something for the whole family. For kids they even have a water torture ride.

Favorite

My favorite part of the day is when I realize it's over.

When I was young everyone was trying to find themselves. I was just trying to find my keys.

For a single guy my house is very clean you can almost eat off a plate.

Museum

I used to think of my body as a temple now I think of it as a museum.

I took Viagra once, it made my apology last longer.

I tried S&M once. It's tough to masturbate with both your hands tied.

Trust

Money over the lives of children! It's disgusting. Our currency should have the words "In Guns We Trust."

Congress only passes meaningful legislation when they've run out of all the other options.

If a hermaphrodite has sex with anyone is it considered a ménage a trois?

Buying

The NRA won't be happy until it's as easy to buy guns as it is to buy congressmen.

Not making it harder for guns to be in the hands of the insane is almost as insane as allowing our laws to be in the hands of congress.

A strong bipartisan effort now means that both parties worked very hard (together) not to pass a bill 90% of the people are in favor of!

Feeding

You know you're getting old when the most important meal of the day is any one that is fed to you.

The only thing lower than Congress's approval rating is their collective IQ.

Congress has the perfect health care package. The only thing it doesn't cover is a spine.

Diapers

If you’re going to be with someone who wants to change you... wait until you’re in adult diapers.

You know you’re getting very old when you stand up and don’t have to stretch to touch your toes.

The best way to prepare for the aches and pains of old age is to sleep in folded up sofa bed.

Lawyers

If gay marriage diminishes straight marriages, does that mean we can pay our divorce lawyers less.

I'm divorced, my ex was sort of a know it all. She stopped believing in God because she felt He didn't take criticism well.

My uncle was so old when he was cremated his ashes had age spots.

Disturbed

If congress wants to take guns out of the hands of the mentally disturbed they should start with Wayne LaPierre

In Wayne LaPierre's case, eyes are the windows to the abyss.

If you're bi sexual do you get to lose your virginity twice?

Destruction

I'm not against guns, but I feel in a modern society (where our kids lives are at stake) assault weapons are weapons of mass destruction.

Some states are trying to end Planned Parenthood if the are dumb & insensitive enough do it, it should be replaced it with planned adulthood.

Congress has been afraid to pass background check gun laws, because of the slippery slope. Pretty soon we'll want background checks on them.

Book Fair

For the next few weeks Stand Ups Guys is only $1.99 on Amazon Kindle. Had a great time at a recent book fair as well!

Adjustments

At my age dying is not so much an alternative as it is an adjustment.

I'd like to live forever just so I can see if a Twinkie will eventually go bad.

A very vain friend has had so many face lifts people say God bless you when he pees.

Happy 4th of July

Hope you all have a great day.

Memory

My memory is getting really bad, not only can't I remember the girl I host my virginity with, I can't recall how much I paid her.

My memory is going, the other day I had sex with a woman and I forgot to apologize.

I had a friend in LA whose bird just died. She left the window open and the bird flew out and hit its head on the air.

Feeding

There's something wrong with society when it feeds on each other rather than feed each other.

I'm a morning person. It's my favorite time to sleep.

Success is too often judged by how much we make rather than how much we give.

In Vain

I'm an atheist, & if I'm correct, my biggest regret is those that killed in the name of God will never realize that they killed in vain.

The love of money is not the root all of evil. The root of all evil is the love of people because they make money.

I don't hate the human race, I just despise what it's racing towards.