Friday, 30 May 2014


I had bulimic blow up doll, every time I filled it up it kept throwing up the air.

I need to improve my oral hygiene when the guy from deliverance died, they checked his teeth to identify him and they matched dental records

No wonder society is so screwed up, life starts without practice.

I’m Italian, after we’re born instead of getting circumcised they burned off our fingerprints.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014


They say having a baby is a miracle. To me the real miracle is getting laid.

For me consciousness is just something to fall back on.

I had a date with destiny and it stood me up.

The other night I had a woman tell me I was hung like a seahorse.

Monday, 26 May 2014


I woke up this morning, saw the sun coming through my shades, and said to myself. "This is the greatest depression of my life!"

The other night I got coffee at the Bendix Diner and spilled it on my legs and got frost bite.

I’m getting so old that eternity is getting shorter.

I know the restaurant I'm in is owned by the mob, there's a sign in the bathroom that says employees must wipe off their finger prints.

Friday, 23 May 2014


The future is passing me by.

The other night I woke up to pee. I was glad I did. I was driving.

I would believe the Tea Party Republicans really loved their country if they started loving the people in it.

Wednesday, 21 May 2014


Those who say it’s never too late have never gone bald.

I took Viagra and Cialis, not only could I screw a woman all night, I was able to get out by breaking down the door.

Dr said he had good news & bad news.The good news is that you only have 1 day to live; the bad news is that I forgot to tell you yesterday

Monday, 19 May 2014


I'm watching the NFL Draft. I know I'm getting old. I used to gawk at the girl friend's of the players, now I'm gawking at their mothers.

According the (sexist) GOP if women aren’t paid equally it’s their own fault. They’re the ones who bring babies into a world run by men.

A teen arrested in TX for carrying 2 guns & an AK47 into class, was released promising next time he'd bring a weapon for all his classmates

Monday, 3 February 2014

My Sid Bernstein Interview

About 5 years ago, at the behest of a Pulitzer prize nominated writer, David Black, I had the privilege and honor to spend 5 hours with Sid Bernstein.  The interview was to be published that month in a national magazine, but because of legal issues the magazine folded.   

Interviewed by John DeBellis

He’s the man responsible for bringing the Beatles to America.   That could be enough for several past and present lives.  Add to that the Rolling Stones, the Kinks, Manford Mann, the Dave Clark Five… the British Invasion.   He was also the first man to book a rock and roll act into Carnegie Hall, and Madison Square Garden, where he broke the color line bringing in James Brown.  Oh, and he was also the first to book a rock and roll band into a stadium, (the Beatles in Shea stadium).  On a lesser note, but more significant to my stomach, he took me to Pasty’s restaurant on 117th St and First Avenue for the best brick oven pizza I ever had.  All that said, I think his greatest accomplishment is that he is as nice a person as he is successful.  To rephrase, Will Rodgers, “I haven’t met a man that wouldn’t like Sid Bernstein.”     

JOHN: As a tailor’s son, how did you get involved in promotions?
SID: I went to James Monroe High school, a big school in the East Bronx.  My first promotion was the first Alumni reunion dance.  I got all the names and addresses out of the yearbook.  It came off very well.  So I got the yearbook from the year before that and did that class.  And the one the year before that was even bigger.  So my first promotion was in gym at James Monroe.  But my next promotion was at the Hunt’s Point Palace, which was a bigger room.  And I raised the price a little bit.  Then I started to book Latin dances and concerts.
JOHN:  Why Latin?   
SID: Because I lived on Tremont Avenue.   It didn’t become Jewish and Italian; it became very Spanish.  My father wanted to open up a dry cleaning store for me. My head wasn’t into dry cleaning. I said this is pretty good I’m making more money than my father did.  It was a challenge and it was original. 
JOHN: You were living by your wits.
SID: Yeah whatever it was.  Yeah I like that.  You can say that.  It’s even stronger than that (laughing).
JOHN: Wits and wisdom.
SID: (joking) In tune with incredible instincts.
JOHN: You’re a World War II veteran. 
SID:  I saw a lot of action in Europe.   I did manage to come home in one piece though.
JOHN: How does a guy brought up on American Swing music return from World War II, where he spent some time in England, two decades later bring an unknown rock and roll band from Liver pool and book them into Carnegie Hall and then Shea stadium?
SID:  I loved England’s gentility and it’s civility.  I’m from the Bronx, with a Bronx accent. I love the beauty of its language, the ways it’s spoken.  I love the green grass of England and the flowers.  I love the island. It’s an island.  The people were nice. I loved their form of government, their two houses.   When I came back home, I continued to read English newspapers.  I used to go to the out of town newspaper stand on forty-second street.  The British newspapers were not as prevalent as they are now.  I’d pick up one or two papers.  I read about four kids creating havoc in the town of Liverpool.  I’d never heard of Liverpool before.  I knew of London.  I hear Kids were falling for them in other cities.  I read the second week, the third week, the fourth week.  With each week the stories kept getting bigger.  I thought this looks like something I should look into. 
JOHN: Where did you go from there, you’re next step?
SID: Some how I find Brian Epstien’s number.  I called him up.  He hadn’t yet moved his operation yet to England.    His mother answered the phone.
JOHN: The Beatle’s manager mother answered the phone?
SID: Brian was still living at home, upstairs. His mother calls him to the phone.  I can still hear the footsteps coming down the stairs like it was yesterday.  That’s a phone call I’ll never forget.
JOHN:  I’d never forget that, but I’d probably have lost the number… I could lose a tattoo.  
SID:  (Laughs) So Brian says, you’re the first American to call me.  I tell him I want to bring the Beatles to America.   He says. “You want to bring my boys to America?  Why do you want to take them to America, we’re not getting any airplay? Why should I take them to America if they’re not getting air play?
JOHN: How did you answer him?
SID: I get this idea.  It wasn’t a stroke of genius. Maybe, God did come down, who knows I believe in God.  So I say to him, “the language is the same, Mr. Epsteen.”  I’m calling him Epsteen and he’s calling me Bernstine.  This is the first call.  So he corrects me.  He says, “My name is Epstine,  Mr.Bernstine.”  So I say, “My name is Bernsteen, Mr. Epsteen.”  That was the first call.
JOHN: That’s hysterical.
SID:  Being the fact that he didn’t laugh, I thought he had no sense of humor.
JOHN:  What did you tell him?
SID: I said, “I’d like to present them in New York.”  I want to give it to you accurately, as I said it in my book?
JOHN: What is the title of your book?
SID: “Not Just The Beatles.” 
JOHN: Great title.
SID: It was a soft cover book.  The front cover was of Abbey road, which we paid a handsome fee for.    
JOHN: Why did you bring them here, to New York? 
SID: I had to think of something. I said, “I think they’d make it here, because well, we speak the same language and of all the crazy stuff going on there could happen here.”   
JOHN: So you made that up on the spot.
SID; Yeah, I adlibbed that.   So he asked, “When do you want to present them?” “From my experience with dance and with Latin concerts, it takes six or eight weeks to promote. So I say, “Six to eight weeks from now.”   He said, “Oh that’s too soon.” He was getting spoiled by all the attention he was getting. “I wouldn’t want my boys going so soon.”  He never said the Beatles, he always said “my boys”.  It was February or March of sixty-three, so we settled on a year ahead.  That year ahead turned out to be February 12th Lincoln’s birthday, 1964.  I picked Lincoln’s birthday because I knew the kids would be out of school.
PEFECT TEN: Talking about thinking ahead, wow. To me staying in the moment is thinking too far ahead.  That was brilliant.
SID: At that time I left a 500 hundred-dollar deposit for the date.  They sent you downstairs to the box office.  In the mailroom was the man considered the dean of Box office people, Ned Pasnick.  He, said, “I never heard about them.  Are they good?” I said “They were great.”  I hadn’t heard them yet.  I asked, “What we should charge?”   He says, “If they’re great we can charge top dollar.”  Top dollar then was $3.50, $4.50 or $5.50.  I said, “Great.”  I really didn’t exactly know what I was doing.  But I knew after reading about them in the news I had to get them.  I was in love with England.  Maybe I dreamed of real green grass.
JOHN: This was way before they were booked on Ed Sullivan.  
SID: A year earlier.  I found out later from Ed Sullivan that when he put them on he hadn’t heard them yet.  Mr. Pasnick, asked me want I wanted the tickets to say.  I said “Sid Bernstein Presents The Beatles”.  He prints the tickets.  Ten days later they’re ready.  They sat there and collected dust for almost a year. 
JOHN:  A year?   
SID: A year. No body cared about them yet.  Suddenly in October of 63 their records start to play and play and play.
JOHN: When you heard them, what was your reaction?
SID: I liked it. I liked their act.  I felt like I done something. But all I done was dial the right number.  That’s all I really did.
JOHN: If you didn’t have the love of England you wouldn’t have had the curiosity.
SID: Whatever you want to attribute it to. My religious friends say God did it.
JOHN: Branch Richy, the old Dodger GM, said, “luck is the residue of design.”  I believe in it a little different.  I believe that luck is the residue of grand design.  That there’s something more powerful helping us pull the strings.
SID:  Could very well be.  The booker from Carnegie Hall hadn’t heard the Beatles yet, either.  But maybe because I sent her flowers to thank her, I get a call from her saying I got a date that’s open Mr. Bernstein.  The Beatles were coming on Feb 12th.  The Feb 15th date was open. I take it. I come up and give her a box of candy.  A couple of days later I get another call.  There’s another date that opened up. So it’s within that same ten -day time area.  My first ad reads Sid Bernstein Presents the Beatles on Feb 12 , Shirley Bassey on Feb 15..and three days later Count Basie and Tony Bennett.  Bernstein presents the Beatles, Bassey, Basie and Bennett.
JOHN: Wow, great bookings and you can’t be much more poetic than that.
SID: I became a manager of Count Basie and Tony Bennett for awhile.  …But forget my life.  With the Beatles I lived at the John Radem, a big building on 12th street.  Kids used to form lines waiting to see me.  “Could they get a front row seat for the Beatles?”  I knew nothing about the box office.  It was all so new.  I didn’t even put seats aside for the press.  People were selling their seats for $150 for balcony to $200 for middle section.
JOHN:  How did booking them in Shea Stadium happen?  Where did the idea come from?     
SID:  When I came back the next day.  This is still before the show or Sullivan.  Ned, the dean of the Box office, said, “I’d never seen anything like that.  Kids slept over night to get tickets.”  This is winter now.  People came with mattresses and blankets for their kids.  They all wanted to be first on line.  I started that happening.  There were still tickets for Bassy and Bennett and Basie .  The Beatles were sold out immediately.  I told Brian we could have sold out Fifty days…  We could have made thousands.   We could have made 50 times the money.  Carnegie Hall still has the same 2030 seats.  Brian and I hadn’t met yet.  We finally meet for the first time prior to the Sullivan show and Prior to my thing (Carnegie Hall).  He loved the way I handled it.  We agreed before he left New York, that we’d book them in Madison Square garden.   Madison Square Garden was the old Aladdin. It had 17,000 seats. But I changed my mind I called Brian.  There are a lot of kids calling me.  Their fathers are calling me.  Their mothers are calling me.  The Garden didn’t satisfy our needs.  I want to change it from Madison Square Garden to Shea Stadium.   He asked, “How many seats is that, sir?  I said, “Fifty-five thousand.”  “Do you think you’ll fill it?”  I said, “Brain, I‘ll give you ten dollars for every seat that is empty.”  He said, “Do you mean that, every empty seat?”  I said, “No, not every seat that was empty, every seat that is not sold!” 
JOHN:  I guess you didn’t have to pay him anything.
SID:  The first time Brian stayed at the Plaza.  The boys stayed in the suite next to him.  I saw the boys looking out the window.  They couldn’t believe what was happening out there.  This is bigger than what happened in England.  Kids everywhere on Fifty-ninth street, around the Plaza.   The Beatles are looking out waving at the kids.   It was quite a scene. 
PERFECT: Did you ever imagine being the guy behind such an event?
SID: I happened to guess right at the right moment--period. 
JOHN: But, then you brought the Stones here.  How did you find out about them?
SID: I’m reading the newspapers and I see that the next group coming up is the Stones--right on the heels of the Beatles.  I called their first manager.  And he said, “I was hoping you would call me.”
JOHN: It makes sense that they would have heard of you by then.
SID: So I make a deal also for Carnegie Hall.  The Box office Lady let me in.   It must have been all those flowers and stuff I sent her.  The Beatles were no trouble… lots of girls.   The Stones were black-jacketed guys, a rough crowd.  A whole different scene between the (Stone’s) black leather jackets and the (Beatles) pretty dressed girls, with the ribbons in their hair, teenagers, standing on the seats screaming, nothing broken.  With the Stones the pictures on the walls were shaking.   She says to me “Don’t ever, ever, ever come back in again.”   So I brought the next one in.  The Dave Clark Five. 
PEFECT TEN: I didn’t realize that.  Who else?
SID: I brought in the next twelve guys in.  The Dave Clark Five, The Kinks, Manford Man,… something like that. It was the British Invasion.  They took over from Sinatra, Perry Como--every body… The air waves were full of the Beatles. It changed everything.  The Beatles were everywhere. 
JOHN: You not only brought us the Stones but one of the most underrated British bands, the Kinks. 
SID: I was not a jerk.
JOHN:  You picked some winners.  What was it like working with the Stones?  
SID: I liked them, but the Beatles had melody.  I was not a fan of the Stone’s music.  I made a lot of money with them.  I brought them over five times. 
JOHN: I heard they were wilder too.
SID: Oh… Yeah…That’s for another time.
JOHN:  How did George Martin come into the picture? 
SID: George Martin was doing comedy records.
JOHN: Comedy records?
SID: Yeah, that’s how he started.  Peter Sellers…British comedians.  Brian brought him because he worked for the record company. He said he heard something.  He took the shot.  Brian later told me eight people passed.  He  (George Martin) didn’t.  He’s very special, you see him, there’s an aura about him. He was the fifth Beatle, not Murray The K.  Brain was the sixth and I was the twenty-fourth. 
JOHN:  I think you’re the number No. 1 American Beatle.  While all this was happening with the Beatles.  What was your favorite experience?  
SID: I love people.  It gave me contact with people, young and old.  And the right and privilege to meet new people everyday. That’s my way of life.  That’s why I had a lot of kids of my own.
JOHN: You have six kids.
SID: My wife cheated me--I wanted eight.   I made some money.  I got a larger apartment with each kid at the John Adams till we out grew that. 
JOHN: You also bought the American group the Rascals to Shea Stadium.
SID: No… I got them into Madison Square Garden … They were the second big pop act to play there. Up until then the Garden didn’t take that kind of acts. Pop acts.  I brought James Brown in first.  It was all black.  When I booked him I got him off the chitlin circuit.  My wife and I and maybe two other white couples were there to see a black act.  There were no incidents. You should see what James Brown said about me.
JOHN: What did he say?
SID:  Some kid just did a documentary on me, which they’re editing. It’ll be another month or two before they show it.  James Brown likens me to a white Martin Luther King of the music business.  Said, I broke the color barrier at the Garden and uh... I forget where else.
JOHN: You don’t see color.   
SID: I grew up in Harlem with blacks.
JOHN: You see artists.
SID: Yes…I looked for talent first, always talent.  The only thing I don’t talk about much, and don’t ask me, is the Bay City Rollers too.  I brought them here.  People thought I was brining over another Beatles over.  I never said the Beatles.   I just mentioned Shea stadium and they thought they were the Beatles.  You should see the money I got.  I became their New York Manager. 
JOHN: A few years ago when the Beatle album came out with all the number one hits.  It sold off the charts and much of the sales went to college kids.  Why do you think?
SID: The music is still relevant and they got a great head start, look who they are.  It’s like saying the Yankees.  Not long ago I got a call to talk in a school in Nashville; the Nashville University Of Entertainment and Music.   Half the school turned out to hear me.  It wasn’t me--it was the Beatles.  Nine out of ten questions were about the Beatles.  As a result of that talk, the dean calls his friend in Cleveland who’s from the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and I got to speak at the Rock and Roll Hall of fame.  Nice turn out. 
JOHN: I think the Beatles were the band that broke down all the world barriers.  In a way they brought the world together.
SID: They brought people together--everybody singing, strangers standing around holding each other singing.   It’s amazing what the Beatles have done.
JOHN: Especially as I get older there music becomes more relevant. I love John’s song, “In My Life.” 
SID: My favorite song in the whole world is “Imagine.”  By my favorite songwriter.  My other favorite is Jacque Brel.   The show is unbelievable and the music is so great.
JOHN:  Is there any music today that you like or knocks you out.
SID: No.  It doesn’t knock me out.  But then again, I don’t listen much.  I don’t know how to put a cassette on, or how to play a record, or cd.  I get my sons and daughters to come over.  I don’t have a car.  I don’t know a lot that’s going on.    
JOHN: You still go out and see music.
SID: Yeah, but I don’t go out as much.  Sine I hurt my leg my kids put me under house arrest.  If you go see anyone interesting give me a call.  I’ll go.
JOHN: Is there any talent that should have made it or you should have handled?
SID: I made my mistakes.  I passed up on Barbara Streisand, I passed up on Neil Diamond.  Streisand, what I hear about her, would have shortened my life. I’m just kidding.  She’s a dear friend.
JOHN: Did you hang out socially with the musicians and celebrities.
SID: My kids, no celebrities. For awhile I was close and friendly with Tony Bennett.  He was my favorite singer.
JOHN: Did you ever take the Beatles here?  The Pizza is amazing.
SID: I brought them.
JOHN: I heard that John Lennon used to call you about Italian restaurants.
SID: Well, I took him to Palucci’s on Mulberry Street.  John gave them the biggest tip they ever had.  He came there with six or seven other Rock stars, Harry Nilsson, and a few others.  I was told they were the most well behaved polite customers. 
JOHN: What do you think drew everyone to Lennon?
SID: How do you describe charisma? He’s one of those figures that comes along once in a generation. They people would turn out for Paul, turn out for George, but mobs would turn out for Lennon. 
JOHN: What’s next?   
SID: Paul called me.  We talked about getting together.  I think that if Paul calls me one more time.  I want to do Paul again, for a cause.  My big thing is for cancer research and to end world hunger.  That’s my thing. The things I’m interested in.   
JOHN: Everyone that I have spoken to about you has nothing but kind things to say.
SID: Well, I defy whoever it was.  I think it was Lincoln, who said you can fool some of the people some of the time, but you can’t fool all the people all the time.  We’ll I’ve fooled all the people all the time.
JOHN:  I don’t think so.   
SID: I got to tell you this, though, it’s been an interesting life.  No regrets. I made my mistakes but I enjoy my life more and more.
JOHN:  Is there anything in your life that you want to do now?  
SID: To be a grandpa.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Mander and Laura Lee

About fifteen minutes later, when I finally wrestled my way out of the revolving door, (it was one of those times I wished I had my GPS with me), I saw Manda waiting for me, tears sprouting out of every pore in her body like ten thousand geysers.   She held her dripping arms wide, hoping that I would run into them, and that they worked properly so she didn’t crush any more than four ribs.  I would have been the answer to her dreams if I didn’t stop to find a towel.  Those thirty seconds were all it took for everything to change.  The elevator opened and there stood Laura Lee.  I was shocked; she was smiling. She hopped towards me on one foot displaying dexterity that she knew Mander would not be able to duplicate.   Women have a sixth sense that alerts them when another woman is vying for a man’s affection even if her competitor is as ugly as chewed food.  At the height of each leap she shouted, first, “You Da Man,” and then on repeated hops moaned.  “My hero.” Leap. “I love you.” Leap again. “I to want to spend.” Another leap. “the rest of my.” A higher leap, this time waiting to stick the landing, before speaking, throwing her hands out to her side dramatically like a bird, or a penguin and sung almost, no exactly-Beatlesque, “date with you-you-you. I want to hold Da Man!”  When I didn’t respond right away she loosened her ponytail allowing her hair to fall to her shoulders.   She undid a button or two on her blouse, put on fish net stockings, took off her 7-inch spiked heels and kicked them to me (one stuck in my face and she laughed) and then pursed her lips like a fish pressing against the glass of a tank and moaned,  “No more for me, b-b-b big b-b-b-boy.”
Mander not to be outdone groaned, “Avavaavaa Ewtingo satpu loggoooo,” which I don’t think she even knew what she said or even got close to the seductive B sound. 
Laura Lee smiled coldly and spoke. “I’m wait-ting.”
Mander drooled.
On one hand, there was Mander who loved me unconditionally, but when I took a good long look at her, even with the duct tape hanging from her mouth dripping with drool, still made me want vomit on her face so I couldn’t see it.     
On the other hand I had Laura Lee who loved only herself unconditionally, but made my loins produce smoke, and with a wink or with a picture of her in bed straddling a handcuffed violin and a large black cello, could make me toss away my porn (the stuff still on VHS). 
There I was the savior of the human race, standing before a beautiful, sexy, nasty little bitch and a fish-gut faced caring person.  We humans were given a chance to start over: to learn from the past, to correct our mistakes, to make wiser choices.  It was up to me to choose between the ugly, the good, and the beautiful bad.  I swept back my greasy hair, wiped the blood and viscera off my hands and onto my pants, tucked in my shirt, which I should have done before I blew my nose on the sleeve, spit out rancid food that was stuck between my teeth, cleared my throat of phlegm, saliva and hair balls, (I had eaten Chinese food last week), and then turned to the two women. For almost a minute I couldn’t utter a word, although I was able to mime playing the banjo. Finally, I smiled and looked toward the women.
Before I could even speak a word, Laura Lee burst out laughing.  “I can’t believe you’d even think for one second, or even five tenths of a second, I’d go for a lizard-brained low life, mutating sack of DNA like you.”
“But you said, I was Da Man and that you love me.”
“I was yanking your repulsive chain. You da m-m-m-moron! ” She laughed so free and hard, it became infectious. I couldn’t help myself and I started laughing, even Mander laughed. We didn’t care.  Why should we?  What the hell, funny was funny.
The laughter went on until Mander began making prolonged gurgling sounds raspy enough I thought she was trying to imitate Rod Stewart under water. That started Laura Lee and I laughing again, this time actually guffawing, both of us holding our stomachs with the same three fingers on our right hands. Coincidence? Who knows? This wasn’t the time to investigate.
It was only after Mander, wheezed a gallon of mucous on a half a roll of duct tape, fell, cracked her skull, broke her neck in a couple of places (fortunately not seriously) and turned blue, that we suspected she had stopped breathing.  We knew it for sure when the duct tape that hung from her mouth like the dark side of flounder was no longer flapping.  Laura Lee, who thought Mander’s blue-pallor matched her outfit dashed to her side.
“I’ve never seen that shade of blue. I’d love a handbag that color,” Laura swooned, lifting rolls of loose flesh from the back of Mander’s arms and holding them against her dress. I wish I had a knife.”
     “I think she’s choking to death,” I shouted as I ran after Laura Lee, trying keep within her shadow because it was at least three degrees cooler.
     “It’s a shame, it’s the best she’s ever looked.  I’d like to get a picture, so I can paint my room that color,” Laura took out her iPhone and starting snapping photos.
     “Do you know CPR?” I asked, shielding my eyes from the iPhone’s flash.
     “Why do you ask?”
     “Because maybe we can save her?”
     “Oh.  I can see your logic,” she said admiring the pictures she’d just taken.
     “Well, can you?”
     “Sure, I taught a class to people who eat a lot of fish. They have tiny bones that get caught in--”
     I interrupted. “That’s the Heimlich maneuver.”
     “Duh! I know that. I wasn’t very good at it, and most of my student’s family members choked to death, so I began teaching CPR. I made a fortune because they all wanted to kiss me. Little did they know the AMA said mouth to mouth CPR doesn’t work.”
     “Can you perform CPR on Mander?”
 “Without doing the Heimlich maneuver first? I guess I could try. ” She stopped snapping pictures and started videoing while she jumped on Mander’s chest--hopping up and down on one foot trying start her heart, unfortunately using the foot with the high heel on it. I attempted to help, but my longer leg got tangled up on the duct tape and stumbled, landing face-to-face with Mander.  Before I could vomit or scream for help, Laura Lee’s heel got caught in between one of Mander’s ribs and she fell on me, causing her to fling the iPhone to the ground. 
The high heel must have awakened Mander’s heart.  Her large ears stiffened and lifted off her eyes, which popped open and she started to breathe, her nose hairs tickling our faces. Laura Lee also infatuated by nostril follicles giggled and then softly moaned. The three of us were all looking at each other and what happened next none of us anticipated.  It must have been the combination of our body’s chemical reactions to each other, mixed with Bliffover’s cure, because the three of us were suddenly bursting with passion. All I know was that it was wild, instinctive, pure ecstasy with various bodily fluids exchanged--mostly from open sores.
Whatever it was, it didn’t matter, because we were greater than the sum of us; we were no longer just three lonely people, we were three and seven-sixteenths.  No future zombie attack, nor threat of nuclear enemas, or the forced removal of deviated septums, or being run through a wood chipper backwards, could separate us, or break our bond. It wasn’t love, no. We were drawn to each other by something stronger and more powerful, the uninhibited sexual desires that we gladly sold to each other.
     It’s been six months since the zombie epidemic. Bliffover got so famous for the vaccine that saved the world he became the star of his own reality show and was able to rebuild his medical practice despite killing all his patients on the air. Jo kept the silent e in his name but removed the o. Skim Milk and Maria were arrested for indecent exposure and were executed. Klaus was completely cured of zombie-ism, but died when Dr. Bliffover tried to cure his schizophrenia by chopping him in half. Shrimp had an operation that added a foot to his height, but unfortunately a side effect prevented him from standing. Laura Lee paid to have her high heel removed from Mander’s heart and replaced by a cheaper shoe. And me? I found Laura Lee’s iPhone video, transferred it to DVD and I’m making a fortune with my true to life porno stories, D-D-D-Dates of the Dead.     

The End

Monday, 27 January 2014

Saving the World

They all walked me to the elevator, except for Maria who was not a strong crawler and gave up after twenty yards—the Doc making her journey more difficult by smashing several glasses and a Molotov cocktail on the floor.  The group wished me luck.  Laura Lee was more specific, “I hope you make it back alive, but become deathly ill from food poisoning.  Oh, which reminds me.  I packed your lunch.  Make sure you eat it all,” she said as she handed me a brown bag that smelled like whatever was inside died from food poisoning and threw itself up.
The elevator arrived and I stepped into it, well fell in, Laura Lee tripped me.  Mander reached in with some part of her, pulled me up, and then tried to kiss me. Instead, she bit a few buttons off my shirt before the doors closed on her head.  Luckily I was able to kick her face hard enough so she escaped without leaving her ugly head with me--good thing because the only bag I had was full of needles.
The trip to the lobby took longer than it should have. I stopped at every floor and searched all the rooms, pretending I lost my contact lens, in case the security cameras were still recording.  I was stalling, trying to get up my nerve for the task ahead and wanted to finish the Times cross word puzzle that I’d carried in my back pocket for just such an occasion.
When I finally reached the lobby, I was surprised to find a group of cured guys greeting me angrily. “Where the hell is the doorman?  I lost the keys to the office!”  Another one of them was banging on his locked mailbox. 
I pulled him away and said reassuringly, “You can’t get in using a thigh bone.  Call a locksmith, dumb ass.”  Before he could respond I ran outside ready to do my duty as a savior of the human race, but made one stop first to get more porno films before the owner got cured and returned. 
The street was full, but not with zombies.  Hundreds of newly refurbished people milled about in ragged clothes, trying to find their wallets and car keys, several looking for missing body parts.   A few fights broke out over some loose eyeballs and limbs, but ended when the missing body parts began to grow back.  Yes, I said, grow back.  Dr. Bliffover’s cure restored what they were missing.  The chunk of skin that I’d lost when the Doc had pulled the teeth out of my neck had grown back.  I wished I had lost my penis; maybe a brand new addition would work better.
As I looked for zombies to vaccinate I felt like I was being watched and I was.  It started with a small crowd that were staring at me and then soon began pointing and yelling. “He’s da man. He’s da M-A-N!”  I didn’t know what they meant, panicked, ran from the crowd, around the corner and right into a massive zombie and a few of his wingmen.  I was minutes from saving the world, this nightmare finally over and I was about to be devoured by a mob of very lonely and very hungry zombies.  I knew Doc’s vaccination worked earlier, but now my resistance was suddenly low, I felt week and got dizzy.  Maybe I should never have eaten the lunch Laura Lee prepared for me (good thing I hadn’t eaten all of it) I began throwing up, and worried that I was emptying myself of the Doc’s magic elixir.  My puking worked as an appetizer; the zombies sprayed saliva as they chomped their teeth in anticipation of a new feast.  I wondered if Doc’s cure would work on minced human meat.  I reached for the needles the Doc gave me, but realized I had emptied the bag in the porno store so I could put the entire Bouncing Basketball B-B-B-Butts of Abu bu-bu-bu Ghraib, series parts 1-28 with the bonus DVD, Big Breasted Bosnia Babes Before Being Beheaded.  B’s are still best sellers in porno’s post zombie period.
The massive zombie face was just inches from mine. I was breathing heavy and hoped the garlic in Laura Lee’s lunch would make him have second thoughts.  I could smell him all right; it was disgusting. Before dying he must have doused himself with Old Spice.  That’s when I passed out. 
I felt like I was floating away and then I plummeted, heading towards blackness.  I smashed my head on something hard and wet. I had gained just enough consciousness to realize it was the street.  Before I could lift my head out of a pothole full of vomit and flesh, I was pulled up and up and up and then spun around.  I caught glimpses of light smearing what left a trail of yellow and white.  My eyes finally started to focus and I realized I was being carried around in circles by a flock of people, and those were building lights I was seeing.  Recognizing that I was awake, they began chanting. “You Da Man!” “You Da Man!”
Only later from eyewitness accounts and home movies did I find what had happened.  Here’s what I learned.  After an hour or so of looking out the window, Dr. Bliffover and company realized they were facing the alleyway.  Doc found a window on the other side of the building that they all agreed gave them the best view.  There they waited another 90 minutes.  Finally Shrimp started taking bets on when I would be seen outside.  Mander tried to place a bet, but because she vainly refused to remove the duct tape, they couldn’t understand what she was saying.  Annoyed that she couldn’t place her wager, since even the most positive bets said I wouldn’t show up until the summer solstice, she decided to spoil their fun and sneak down the stairs to look for me.  She easily made it through the crowd of second term humans, scaring away anyone who came within eye-shot.  When a balding man threw up only a few feet away, she lost it.  She had her fill of people vomiting at first sight and was about to head-butt him, when he started to scream that he should have never taken a bite of the half-sandwich he found on the floor in the Badminton Bisexual Bull Dyke Bitches of Beirut section and that it was a good thing he didn’t fall off the wagon by the temptation of all those needles lying on the shelf next to the Nearsighted Nipple-less Nymphs of Nicaragua and Nagasaki in 3 Double D. N’s were big sellers until the letter “N” was be replaced by the “W” in the post apocalypse English dictionary. The D quickly emerged as the number 1 porno seller thanks to me.
Mander, kicked the Adult video store owner in the shins a few times until she heard a snap, just for fun, raced into the store, picked up as many needles as she could carry in her colostomy bag, which we all had mistaken for a birth mark, and searched for me.  She followed the “He’s Da Man,” mantras guessing they were aimed at me.  There she found me about to become nectar to the undead.  She stuck her face into the middle of the zombies, who, upon setting their chalky eyes on her, gagged trying to inhale their roars and then turned to run.  Zombies are very good at tearing off limbs, chewing raw flesh, smelling any blood type, some might even say they are superior to sharks and most mobsters, but they are not gifted runners, and can barely maintain a slow jog for more than three quarters of a mile. 
Several fell, tripping over their own legs, arms, and feet most of which were lying on the ground. Mander injected me again to ensure that the serum was potent to keep me alive and then injected a few dozen zombies until she ran out of serum.  The zombies gone, the fledgling members of new society quickly found me—a needle place in my hand by Mander.  Mander wanted to give me the credit for the former zombies transiting back to the life—human life.  She later told zombie haters as well as sympathizers, much to my chagrin, (I’m still getting hate mail) that it was my bravery that saved the day.  The crowd had lifted me up and held me over their heads, spinning me around bellowing, “He’s Da Man! He’s Da Man! He’s Da… Give me and M… Give me an A.  Give me an M, no just kidding. Give me an N… What’s that spell?  It spells M-AAAAA-An.” With all the cheering, Manda while fantasizing about an additional D and A in their chant, easily snuck away without scaring anyone and waited in the lobby for the celebration to end.  That’s when I regained consciousness. 
My new fans finally put me down and I shook hands, signed a few hundred autographs, traded eating at Gaelic cafeteria stories, did a poll on what is the preferred method of cranial therapy on Norwegians, and even got promises of phone numbers from female admirers, when and if the cell service resumed.  When I’d had my fill of accolades I headed back to the lobby. I would have arrived sooner, but it took me awhile to find all my porn.