Bulimic

I had bulimic blow up doll, every time I filled it up it kept throwing up the air.

I need to improve my oral hygiene when the guy from deliverance died, they checked his teeth to identify him and they matched dental records

No wonder society is so screwed up, life starts without practice.

I’m Italian, after we’re born instead of getting circumcised they burned off our fingerprints.

Laid

They say having a baby is a miracle. To me the real miracle is getting laid.

For me consciousness is just something to fall back on.

I had a date with destiny and it stood me up.

The other night I had a woman tell me I was hung like a seahorse.

Morning

I woke up this morning, saw the sun coming through my shades, and said to myself. "This is the greatest depression of my life!"

The other night I got coffee at the Bendix Diner and spilled it on my legs and got frost bite.

I’m getting so old that eternity is getting shorter.

I know the restaurant I'm in is owned by the mob, there's a sign in the bathroom that says employees must wipe off their finger prints.

Future

The future is passing me by.

The other night I woke up to pee. I was glad I did. I was driving.

I would believe the Tea Party Republicans really loved their country if they started loving the people in it.

Bald

Those who say it’s never too late have never gone bald.

I took Viagra and Cialis, not only could I screw a woman all night, I was able to get out by breaking down the door.

Dr said he had good news & bad news.The good news is that you only have 1 day to live; the bad news is that I forgot to tell you yesterday

Mothers

I'm watching the NFL Draft. I know I'm getting old. I used to gawk at the girl friend's of the players, now I'm gawking at their mothers.

According the (sexist) GOP if women aren’t paid equally it’s their own fault. They’re the ones who bring babies into a world run by men.

A teen arrested in TX for carrying 2 guns & an AK47 into class, was released promising next time he'd bring a weapon for all his classmates