Age

I'm at the age now where I take Viagra just so I can pee.

You know you're getting old when your goals in life are all body functions.

If I can change anything about life and death, it would be the order in which it happens.

Dull

This is how dull my life is, if I died tomorrow my schedule wouldn't change.

I'm not thankful for everyday above ground because every day above ground is another day I can trip and break my neck.

Family

My uncle was on death row. He was bulimic. For his last meal he ordered a steak, a salad and a bag.

I never met a man I should have ignored more than myself.

Brain Power

Intelligence is not how much knowledge you possess but it's how much of it you apply.

I'm a slob to begin with so I don't like snow storms. When I track snow in my house it make is a lot harder to snort cocaine off my floor. 

The worst thing about getting old is realizing it.

Fruit Cake

If they cut down the postal service to once a century it still won't have an effect on the freshness of my aunt's fruit cake.

If Gov Christie runs for Pres the problem is not what's in the Rep platform but will it be strong enough to keep him from falling through it
 
I take each day one at a time. Two if I can't find a bathroom.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a raise without being unionized.

Insult to Elephants

The way the Republican party is acting it's like the death rattle of a dying elephant.

Republican is (becoming) just another word for nothing left to loose.

When women see me it's never been matter of sexual preference, it's been a matter of sexual indifference.

If God was a network executive he would have created the world in six days and on the seventh he would have cancelled it.

Catfish Hunter Is An Adult

John DeBellis, Larry David, and Bobby Kelton

I’m not sure if it were 1976-77 or even 1978. Larry David, Bobby Kelton and I had decided to watch the All-Star game at Larry’s place—an old railroad apartment that led from the tiny kitchen through the bedroom finally to Larry’s living room.  The apartment had the feel of a Salvation Army store that had been robbed and what remained was what the thief thought had little or no value.

We were all in our mid-twenties, which was about the same age as many of the ball players.   During the baseball game we argued about our usual trivial things, Larry and Bobby going at it fiercely—LD like he was trying to yell his way out of being circumcised.

To this day we’d have serious, sometimes, heated discussions about things like: Would you rather die before or after your team lost the World Series? If you were woken from a coma by hearing a male friend’s voice would that constitute homosexual tendencies? Would Fidel Castro get away with blaming his impotency on atmospheric conditions?  Meanwhile the American league was getting slaughtered.  Catfish Hunter gave up several runs in his one or two innings of work.  

During the game he was interviewed. He had already showered and was dressed in a grown up suit. Catfish was in a calm, almost jovial mood.  We were all amazed at his attitude, none more so than Larry; he couldn’t believe how Catfish, who had just bombed in front of millions of people on national television, was acting so mature. One audience member with a disparaging expression on his face could catapult Larry into slamming the microphone to the floor as he ran off stage yelling at the audience, “You’re all scum.”  At one point Larry had ruined so many microphones the Comic Strip actually started gluing them to the stand.

The game had become a rout so Bobby and I decided to leave.  As we walked towards his door, Larry started muttering loudly.  We turned to see Larry’s face reddened and scorched with tension, teetering on the edge of a stroke. He was,wearing his Yankee batting helmet, Yankee T-shirt, and pounding his fist into his glove, screaming, “I’m as old as Catfish.  Uh, I could be an adult!  Why can’t I be more mature!?

Screwed From Birth

I'm completely derivative, I was born with a copy of original sin.

God Bless Texas

Between anti planned parenthood & the assault gun folks. I bet in Texas they'd be for abortion if they were allowed to shoot the fetus.

Wise Advice

Life's a bitch and then you realize you're eleven.

Show Me The Meds

When I was young if I took as many (prescription) drugs as I do now to keep alive, I would have died of an overdose.

Hate Gets You Hired

Isn't it time we reassess our values when networks like Clear Channel and Fox make hatred a job requirement.

Glory Of Age

The older I get the less I believe in God but the more I hope that there is one.

Conflicted

I found out I'm not on the NRA's hate list. I should be, despite being Italian. Don't they realize that I'm a comic which makes me Jewish.

Be My Valentine

On Valentine's day, at my age you give a loved one a box chocolate and then watch them die of heart attack.

Only Way To Ban

I think they'd ban assault riffles in a second if some nut came into the House and Senate with one and whipped out half of congress.

Downside To Gay Marriage

The only downside to Gay marriage is divorce and the possibility of giving lawyers more work!

More Old Age

You know you're getting old when your penis resembles your head.

Ode To Old Age

I'm at the age now where it's less dangerous to buy cocaine than it is to bend down to snort it.

Old Age Sex

You know you're getting old when you have sex with a woman and you can't wait to finish so you can pee.

Trumped Up

I can say this about Donald Trump starting a law suit against Bill Maher, at least Trump is not afraid to put his money where his foot is.

What a Dick

Dick Cheney is spouting out lies again. The only thing I'd like to see come out of Dick Cheney is his pace maker.

Congress

Looking at the extreme right in Congress I don' think abortion should be legal... I think it should be retroactive.

An Ego Blow?

A woman died while we had sex, it was very painful. She set herself on fire. I'd be dead if she didn't drop the handcuff keys on my chest.