Thursday, 23 January 2014

Another Volunteer

“Maybe,” Maria suggested, “someone should take your vaccine, go out and inject it into a few dozen zombies?”
We stared at her, forgetting she’d even been with us. I found out later that Maria had been silent because she’d temporarily decided that the English language depended too much on words.
“It’s a great idea. You go, and we’ll watch from here,” Laura Lee replied, this time feigning a little known Navajo chant.
Mander shook her head. I think it was her head; it was attached to what I think was her neck, and said, “gee idee, IyeeeGa.”
Dr. Bliffover understood her.  He turned in her direction holding his hand over his eyes. “We’d have to put a bag over your head, a very thick bag, possibly led lined with spikes. 
“But what if the bag fell off?” Laura Lee asked. 
“We could use bolts, or we could cut off her head. He turned to Mander, shading his eyes.  “It’s the style in some Arabic countries.” Dr. Bliffover later told me that beheading a person was one of his life-long ambitions well before he was even born.  I think it had to with his over sexually deviant and over protective dad who didn’t remove his head until his mother gave birth.
“Give me the stuff.”  Shrimp said, “I’ll go, I may be short, with stumpy legs, and a small difficult to find sneaker size, bent toes, webbed feet, and hundreds of fragile broken bones overflowing with arthritis that might me make me collapse at any second, but I’m no coward.” He limped around in pain, falling several times.
“You’re in no shape to go out there,” Skim Milk remarked.
“Okay.” Shrimp quickly responded.
That’s when my mouth stepped up without consulting the rest of me. “I’ll go.  I already have the cure in me.”
“Any other volunteers? I have a two gift cards for Bed Bath and Beyond.” Doc said, hoping he could bribe someone else into going.” 
“Don’t look at me.  It’s Friday the 13th,” Klaus squealed.  We all held our ears in case he had more to say.  Thank God he didn’t.
Doc looked at me, “I guess you’re on your own. I’ll give you a booster shot first.”
I nodded.
Doc tossed the needle in the air, spun around, and with his eyes closed caught it behind his back and then injected me.” 
The others, of course, broke into applause and began to chant.  “More. More. More.”
Dr. Bliffover bowed, picked up several needles, juggled them, and tossed them in the air again; this time they stuck in the ceiling.  He did a somersault, a quick moonwalk, just as they came lose and fell. He looked up, caught them all with his mouth, and then spit the needles into me.  As much as I was in\ pain from the injections, I joined the applause.  I’ve always appreciated real talent.   When the clapping died down the Doc handed me a shoulder bag full of needles, but first he pulled a rabbit out of it, which led to more applause and Maria throwing him her room keys. 
“If we survive this, I’ll tell you where I live,” Maria said seductively, while pulling down her pants to show him her behemoth butt.  
“I’m there, babe.  All you have to do is—“
Skim Milk coughed. “Now is not the time for that, besides it’s lent.” Her words held more than a hint of jealousy, and she slapped Maria’s ass. She kept slapping while Maria moaned and then started to sneeze with pleasure when Skim spanked her to the opening of “Sing, Sing Sing.”  We all clapped along until Maria pulled up pants, and trying to take all the credit for the funky sound, did a backwards curtsey.  It was quite a feat; she broke her spine in six places and became crippled from the waist down, but by then everyone was tired of clapping and turned away from her and faced me.  Maria crawled around us making funny faces and sounds like a seal and even pretended to make a snow angel. Still we ignored her, recently crippled or not a person has to learn her boundaries.  It was also a good lesson to learn: never take credit for someone else’s creativity.
“I guess it’s time for me to save the planet,” I said, trying to sound masculine.  I winked at Mander, she tried to return the wink but her eyelids drooped, got caught on her teeth and then she accidentally pulled out a few molars and one wisdom tooth when she yanked her lids open with fishing hooks.    


  1. Jack Bauer would be proud of such efforts

  2. The smaller they are the tougher they get.

  3. its all the style to use someone elses head...hmm...never thought of that one...smiles.

    jack bauer is from 24, the tv series....

  4. Doc should've offered gift cards for Home Depot. Bed, Bath and Beyond is too girlie.


  5. You just never know where the Moon Walk is going to show up.