Leper

My cousin Bob died yesterday. He was an idiot. You shouldn't bungee jump if you're a leper.

I'm non practicing atheist, every Sunday I go to church.

Just a thought. If Ann Coulter went on a Safari and savages shrunk her head at least her brain would still be the same size.

Woodchipper

My uncle was an Italian magician instead of cutting a woman in half he pushed her through a wood chipper.

I'm pro choice but if you want to ban abortion in case a rape, then you should not kill the fetus and allow the father to live.

Following in Jesus's footsteps can lead to drowning.

Apples

Unfortunately for the Republican Party a few good apples can't unspoil the bunch.

If Lincoln had to deal with Speaker Boehner and the Tea Party he would have shot himself.

Republicans believe the right to life liberty & the pursuit of happiness begins at conception unfortunately they believe it ends at birth.

Small Minds

The government isn't too big. The government just looks bigger because it's filled with so many small minds.

My uncle spontaneously combusted. It was his own fault. You shouldn't be a fire swallower who has acid reflux.

Men might live a long as women if they stop using up so much energy trying to take away women's health care.

Taxes

We don't have to cut rich people's taxes, just make them pay for the middle class's health care.

Today is the first day of the rest of my depression.

It's not a matter of bigger or smaller government. It's a matter of too many small minds in the government.