Tripping

In life I take one step backwards than two steps forward before tripping.

I'm getting so old that if I date a girl half my age she will be twice my IQ.

A real phony is someone who lies through their false teeth.

I don't want to die feeling alone, that's why I won't get married.

Chewing

When I was a baby I used to spit up all the time. My folks were pleased. They had something my grandfather could eat without chewing.

If it wasn't for my anti depressants I couldn't get out of bed before I threw up.

A cannibal friend said (no matter how hungry he is) he'd never eat Cher it would be eating all artificial ingredients.

Free

If the best things are life are free, then why is porn so lucrative.

Franklin Roosevelt was successful because he was a rich guy who did forget his roots.

My friend Bill is such a hypocondriac after he has sex he takes a pregnancy test.

Fall Back

To me life is just something to fall back on.

If I was reincarnated does that mean I’m God’s hand me down?

Women live longer than men. So I figure when I'm 80 I'm going to have a sex change.

Kangaroo

My anthropologist uncle discovered a breed of kangaroos that had back pockets. They went extinct. They kept sitting on their young.

I had my penis enlarged not for sex, I was tired of peeing on my balls.

I'm actually in terrible shape. A tribe of cannibals asked if they could use my body as an appetite suppresser.

If you'd like to read part one of Without a Head it can be found here.

Murphy's Law

Murphy's law is what ever can go wrong will go wrong. My law is whatever can go wrong will go wrong and that's the best part of my day.

I live my life vicariously through me.

My knowledge of life is limited to things I don't know about.

Another Standup Video

Here is another routine in animated form, hope you enjoy. Pat always does a great job on them too.

Memory

My memory was never good. My first memory is that of someone forgetting something.

From the very beginning I had reasons to be insecure. I was an only sperm.

I spend the night worrying about not waking up and then I spend the day worrying about not falling asleep.

The Last Laugh

Another of my routines which I have done on Just for Laughs. Another great job by Pat too!

Stand Up Routine

Have a view below, at the quick 1 minute video, of some of my standup. Thanks to Pat for animating it!

New Years

On New Years I went to a formal at an insane asylum. Black ties and straight jackets. It was a bitch putting on my cufflinks.

I had a traumatic childhood, my father wet my bed.

I think of impotency as saving it for myself.

Muscle

I want my arteries to harden, it's the closest thing I'll have to muscle definition.

I'm at the age where the way to a man's heart is through his stomach acid.

Today is the first day of the rest of my depression.

Drugs

Say no to drugs, not to being over medicated.

I don't hate my life, I just hate being part of it.

I live each day like I'm on my last antidepressant.

To me living life to the fullest is getting out of bed in order to change the sheets.

Time

Time heal all wounds but it takes a plastic surgeon to remove the scars from your wrists.

The only time I feel like I'm living in the moment is when I experiencing Deja Vu.

I live life taking one depression at a time.

Glass

I don't only think that a glass is half empty, I think what's left is filled with saliva.

There's a good chance that I will die while obsessing about death.

You know your insignificant when your suicidal thoughts don't include you.

Unselfish

Being unselfish is wallowing in someone else's misery.

The only good phobia is one that you can get a prescription for.

To me life begins at noon.

Every year as I get older I get better as a person because I get closer to forgetting who I am.

Social Life

If I was the only person alive it wouldn't change my social life.

My life is so bad, I wish I was someone else wishing I was someone else.

Home is where you hang yourself.

Boredom

I knew I was bored the other night when I read all the credits on a porno film.

If the world is my oyster than I must be allergic to shellfish.

If life was meant to be fair then it should have passed me by.

Roses

A man without regrets is a man who didn't have any options.

Death is not the end of life, it's the beginning of nothing!

In order for me to wake up and smell the roses, I have to shower and take out the garbage.

Optimistic?

Does knowing that death is the one goal I'm sure that I can achieve, make me an optimist?

I was so depressed today I fell asleep comitting suicide.

I'm a figment of my own imagination.

Life

My Philosophy; Life is a gift better left unopened.

I don't mind life it's the hours I can't stand.

I cheated life the other day by living.

Recent Trip With Larry David

I had asked Larry what to wear because even though he seems like he’s being sucked into a whirlpool of obsessive thought, he is, of course, simultaneously on the lookout for any fault he can find in a friend, so he can shine a spot light on it, and point it out in the most embarrassing manner. The first time Larry saw me wearing an earring he loudly announced to patrons of a restaurant that I was a hermaphrodite and starting the first phase of a deciding on a permanent sex, and he then insisted on opinions.  I nearly tore off my ear and tossed it in his soup.

To read more please go here